privilege of loving

having sex for the first time is scary as hell
my hands and legs are shaking, i know he can tell
but especially if you’ve been assaulted
can’t just hop on it, i need to be comforted
porn always told me it was supposed to be easier than this
but I can’t seem to figure out if i’m the right fit
we’ve been trying for a bit now but it hurts too much
just sit on it already! he says desperate for my touch
but the tingles and hormones can’t overshadow the stretch happening down there
the thoughts and flashbacks happening up here
and while i love the way his eyes caress my skin
the previous assault set me on fire in pain that sunk in
there is no running from this, ashamed
this body is not fit for loving
it was created from oppressions and rapes
no room for lounging in the privilege of loves
and while his laughter appears loudly in my dreams
this burden aches heavy on my bones tearing me at the seams
there are no words to express how foreign this skin is
that no matter how I peel my clothes off
something still feels wrong
I tell him I love him and wish I could
but the reality is complicated and misunderstood
there is something about our bodies touching side by side
that feels uniquely intimate and intense and perfectly fine
my mind and body don’t seem to coordinate right
but with you everything makes sense, i feel light
these colonized hips
lined with stretch marks like rips
want to ride you into freedom
you’re the only person to visit this kingdom
is it okay if i touch here? do you like my tongue there?
I ask him but I am really asking myself
nerves racing through me
what’s wrong with me
you’re safe here
why don’t you trust him
why don’t you trust me
he smiles that smile of his and starts undoing my buttons
how do survivors express love while feeling rotten
another button
my back muscles start to tense up
I just want the past to be forgotten
another button
another button
shivers run through my open shirt as he slides his hand
this has to be too much for this body to withstand
i didn’t think i could do this with anyone after surviving assault
it took realizing none of it was my fault
and there I stand, uncovered
with my secrets out in the open, stripped
nothing of me left to hide, unclothed
hoping you’ll be okay with the broken me, naked