I wasn't raised to be "weak"

through all the undocumented muck i was being raised in my mother told me to be strong. to be independent. but no where in her definition of strength was there any room for weakness. without realizing that you cannot have one without the other.

according to my mother:
weakness was displayed through tears
weakness was displayed through love
weakness was displayed through speaking things out and letting people in
weakness was displayed by trusting
weakness was displayed through displays of affection
weakness was displayed through trusting others with secrets, insecurities and fears.
in her actions, my mother suggested not to do any of the things above

so my life was filled with a small handful of tears that i would force inside. My life was filled with a handful of moments in which i gave genuine hugs and genuinely said ‘i love you’ but wasn’t able to do it all the time. 

my life was filled with awkward moments of not knowing how to appreciate. not being able to vocalize words of love. not being able to understand why others weren’t as “strong” as me.

the strength my mother raised me in missed a lot and it is so hard to change the way things have been for so long. but i try everyday to mend the way my life is turning out. the way i see things around me.

we display strength in owning our fears and fearlessly loving others. trusting they won’t hurt us. How can we be strong when we force ourselves to only feel one way? If we do not allow ourselves to cry. to mourn. to be sad.

we are strong by being brave. by being weak we are strong.